The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
