So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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