im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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