You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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