no, he came in my armpit
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
