I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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