come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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