Have you finally orgasmed yet?
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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