Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
