the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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