Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
