I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I woke up under a house in Key West
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
