i permit you to call me
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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