Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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