had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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