Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
