allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
