so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
