respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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