piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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