Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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