I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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