Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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