this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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