I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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