I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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