Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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