you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
