My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
