I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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