I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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