i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
