Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
