So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
