so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
