You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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