So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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