"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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