Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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