if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
