u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
