alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
