The maid of honor just puked.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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