halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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