i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
