why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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