i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
