I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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