When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
sex in a hospital.. check
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
