Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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