I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
