my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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