Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
