I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.