it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind