32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
