R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
