Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
True strength comes from lack of pants
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
