Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
