She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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