tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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