1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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