Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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