i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
