There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
