my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
