I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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